Book review of “”Single Mothers Are For Grown Men ONLY! – One Man’s Takedown of the Stereotypes Against Single Mothers”
130 pp. $16.97 Amazon
8:06 AM 10/3/2017 Tue
Word Count: 3,328
By Mumia Obsidian Ali
“Rommell, you bastard! I read your book!”
-General George S. Patton
While the online Black community was still reeling from yet another frontal assault on Black men en masse in the form of “Very Smart Brotha” Damon Young’s missive arguing that (straight) Black men were somehow the “White People of Black people” (read: Black women) last month, another BS bomb was dropped by self-styled poet, author and newly minted “relationship expert” one Mr. Derrick Jaxn. For those of who may not be aware, Jaxn can be seen on Facebook, Instagram and increasingly YouTube, plying his apologia for Black Female Fuckery trade, doing what all such “experts” do – tell Black women what they want to hear, not necessarily the truth and definitely not the facts. His most recent work, “Single Mothers Are For Grown Men ONLY!” (as if putting that last word ALL IN CAPS is gonna make any difference – hrrmph), firmly establishes the heretofore cagey Jaxn when it came to tossing his hat into the Black Male Relationship Expert Industrial Complex (BMREIC) ring as, well a “relationship expert”. Now that he has, I fully consider him fair game.
Sans any experience in the realm of parenting (Jaxn’s a newly minted parent himself, a proud baby daddy to a little girl bundle of joy brought about by his years-on-end dealings with his baby mama, whom rumor has it he met while at Tuskeegee), marriage (see above) or relationships (at just under 30, how much of a track record can he really have?), Jaxn nevertheless sees himself as imminently qualified to give “homespun wisdom” and “commonsense” to the Black female addled masses. But, if the aforementioned Young piece over at VSB and the more recent one appearing on the Madame Noire website written by staffer Veronica Wells, where she argues for calling Black men en masse “terrorists” is anything to go by, it is clear that Black women couldn’t give a toss about facts, data or empirical evidence – especially when any of the above might threaten to cast them in a less than favorable light. Talk about “Don’t bring me no bad news!” – the Age of Ignorance, is upon us, indeed.
The Personal Is Political – Sorta
The basis of Jaxn’s book is half excoriation of Black men, half apologia for the horrendous life choices of so many Black women, all couched in terms explained by the subtitle on the cover: “One man’s takedown of the stereotypes against single mothers” and puts it in the context of the supposedly fine exemplar of exceptional single moms like his own, Barack Obama’s and Ciara, prior to her highly publicized (and highly controversial) wedding to Super Bowl winning quarterback, Russell Wilson. Jaxn argues that these heroines are getting short shrift in the court of public opinion and he’s here to swing into action like the proverbial Captain Save ‘Em to set the record straight. Unfortunately though – and no small surprise to me in the least – Jaxn’s extraordinary claims aren’t accompanied with any corresponding evidence. All we have is his “wisdom” on the matter, all of which is jam-packed inside of 130 pages – no references, no citations, no footnotes, no bibliography, no index – just one oversized pamphlet comprising 24 “chapters” (if one considers a few pages of text such a thing) that purports to “tell it like it is”.
Too bad the facts, evidence and data – now more than a generation in scope – says otherwise. We’ll get to that in a moment.
But for now though, we have to appreciate the fact that it is completely understandable that Jaxn, a guy who prides himself on being the catnip to the ladies combo of “tough on the outside, soft on the inside”, would make this book at least in part personal. Sure, assuming that his mom was indeed exceptional, even taking for granted that the same was true for Obama’s mama and Ciara (and we know in both of those cases they weren’t – Obama was actually raised by his GRANDPARENTS in Hawaii, and Ciara, a high fashion model who managed to keep her looks after popping out rapper and notorious womanizer Future’s kid, made the headlines and was the rage of/on Black social media the entire summer of 2015 BECAUSE her case was so rare, so exceptional – again as the stats will soon bear out), the evidence again, sadly bears out that this is simply not the case for the rank and file Black baby mama. And no amount of hawking feelgood overgrown pamphlets to Black women to whom the designation “baby mama” accurately applies, is going to change that harsh reality on the ground.
Just The Facts, Jaxn
So, without further ado, here’s just a few of the hard and fast facts about the realities of single motherhood. The following is from a study conducted by Ohio State University, where some 102K single mothers were surveyed coast to coast, between the ages of 18-34 and between the years 1980-1995 (bear in mind, that Jaxn himself was born circa 1989 or so):
1. Single mothers are 30% less likely to marry than their non-baby mama counterparts
2. Those single moms who do marry get hubbies that are significantly older, less educated and therefore, make significantly less money than women who get married before having kids by someone else
3. More than 30% of baby mamas and their kids/families live in poverty, vs. only 6% of married mamas
4. And, even when baby mamas do get married, those marriages are of markedly less quality, don’t go the distance and have all manner of problems, due in large part to the aforementioned stock of men available for these baby mamas to marry in the first place
Keep in mind, that the aforementioned study/survey sampled single moms nationwide, regardless as to color. Now, let’s bring in the hard and fast stats as they relate to Black America:
1. According to BlackDemographics.com, the current marital rate in Black America is 29% – an all-time low since US Census records have been kept since 1890
2. According to govt sources such as the CDC and the US Census, the Black out of wedlock birth rate has now exceeded 70% (and in dense urban inner-city cores) like Baltimore, Newark, Philly and NYC, that number can reach as high as 80% or more)
3. Put the above two facts, and the OSU study, together with the fact that most Black women have a net worth of $5 USD, and you can see how and why so many Black women are in fact, either living in poverty or on its knife’s edge – Baby Mamaism, leads to either not getting married at all, or marrying a markedly lower quality of man, which in turn leads to, yup, you guessed it, poverty. In the USA, for most people most of the time, the surefire way OUT of poverty and into the middle class, is to get married BEFORE YOU HAVE KIDS, stay married, both you and your spouse work, plan and save and viola!-you’ve made it into the middle class (Shoutout to Walter Williams!). Of the relatively few married Black American couples remaining who have adhered to this script, they are living proof of its veracity.
(For those who want to know more about single motherhood or what I have referred to as “Baby Mamaism”, has done quite possibly irreversible damage to the Black American family, I strongly urge you to checkout Manhattan Institute’s “City Journal” editor Ms. Kay Hymowitz’s excellent work, “The Black Family: 40 Years of Lies”.)
But the harsh truth is that so many Black women knock themselves completely out of the running to the good life here in America, because so many of them make so many bad decisions – which brings me to the next point…
Giving Baby Mamas A Pass
As previously noted, Jaxn spends a goodly amount of his book upbraiding Black men on one hand, while giving nothing but “context” to Black baby mamas on the other. For example, he attempts to explain away, rationalize and justify how and why so many Black women get with “ain’t shit” Black men (also known as “thugs”, ne’er do wells and the like) – it’s because, Jaxn argues, so many Black women are so tired of “wolves in sheep’s clothing” Black men. This is a truly interesting development to witness – since the rise of what some have dubbed “the Black Manosphere” on social media and YouTube in particular, where everyday Black men are now having a platform to have their sides of the story being told, Black women and their proxies, like Jaxn, can no longer deny, deny, deny, that they DO indeed have a thing for thugs and knuckleheads – so what they’ve now done is “blame the victim and kill the messenger”, but attempting to frame their incredibly fucked up mating choices on “fake good brothers” – riiight. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that so many Black women’s mating compasses are so askew to begin with? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with so many Black women simply not valuing “boring” qualities (at least not when they’re young, hot and DON’T HAVE KIDS) – you know, like honesty, character and work ethic/studiousness? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that so many Black women are drawn like a moth to a flame to the WORST kinds of Black men? And, it couldn’t possibly have anything in the least to do with the idea that so many Black women honestly believe that “they can change him”?
Not at all, right?
Jaxn further argues that to suggest that a Black baby mama should have done a better job of vetting her baby dad(dies) is unfair, since no one is a psychic; but the simple truth is that so many of these women were living in DENIAL, refusing to see and accept, what was clearly right in front of them. Look, knuckleheads are called as such because no one is accusing them of being criminal masterminds – as Jaxn says himself in his book, these guys wear their thuggishness on their sleeves. What you see, is what you get – and when so many Black women get invariably burned, rode hard, hung out wet and with several kids in tow (how many Black baby mamas do YOU personally know who only has one?), NOW all of a sudden they turn to guys like Jaxn, who will tell them that “Black Men Ain’t Shit” – all for a fee, of course.
Moreover, as noted in the highly acclaimed work, “Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage”, its authors Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas note that poor (read: Black) women know exactly what they’re doing when they get knocked up, contrary to popular (and grossly misinformed) opinion. Many of these women get pregnant for varying reasons, ranging from being able to garner attention in their social circle, family and neighborhood, to having “someone to love”, to attempting to “change a man” (see above), and so on. Many of those women see having a baby as one of the relatively few things they CAN do, amidst a sea of despair that surrounds them. Many know that they aren’t likely to ever become wives, but they CAN become (single) mothers – and so they do. Of course, Jaxn won’t cite any of these facts, because he either (A) doesn’t know them to begin with, and/or (B) dares not bring such unsavory facts before the Sistahood – lest they turn on him like killer bees on a swarm.
You just cannot make this stuff up – speaking of which…
Bizarroland Is Black America
On my daily podcast talk show aimed at Black men and which can be heard on YouTube, I often liken Black America to one of Superman’s enemies, the villan Bizarro. For those who are only or largely familiar with Superman due to the Christopher Reeves or Henry Cavill films, or for those in the audience old enough to remember the George Reeves television show that originally aired in the 1950s(!), you might not recognize the name “Bizarro” – but for diehard comic book fans like yours truly, knew him very well.
You see, unlike Lex Luthor or General Zod, Bizarro was in many ways, exactly like Superman – just a hyped up, twisted, perverted vision of himself. Bizarro had many of the same qualities as Superman, but he was a very “askew” version of him at the same time – recall a “funny house” or a “hall of mirrors” when you go to a carnival. How your face and body looks distorted? Well, that’s Bizarro – and I’ve long argued that Black America itself is, in so many ways, the “Bizarroland” to White America’s “Superman”.
Why am I bringing this up? Because earlier in this piece I cited Ms. Kay Hymowitz, whose work in the area of documenting 70 ways to Sunday how and why Baby Mamaism has utterly destroyed Black America and is on the fast track to doing the same to the nation at large (Charles Murrary also discusses this in his excellent work, “Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960-2010”) – she’s a Jewish woman. In the annals of human history one is hard pressed to come up with a group of people more obsessed with “matchmaking” than the Jews (OK, the Desi/Hindu Indians come a close second). Ever heard of “speed dating”? It was invented by a Jewish Rabbi. The dating and matchmaking coaching business is disproportionately represented by Jewish people (Evan Marc Katz, Rachel Greenwald, Susan Patton, etc., et. al.). Even one of the most popular Jewish-themed musicals-turned-major motion pictures ever – “Fiddler On The Roof” – notes this fact in one of its signature songs: “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match”. It is downright inconceivable to see or hear of a Jewish person actually arguing what Jaxn does vis-a-vie his book – in fact, the ONLY place, where such a book could be written, published and then taken seriously, sans a even scintilla of evidence, data or facts to back it up, is “Bizarroland” Black America – because EVERYWHERE ELSE the very idea would be laughed out of polite society. In fact, comparing Jewish to Black America is a case study in serious contrasts, because the former praises the things Walter Williams notes above, while the latter clearly does not – and it shows. One of the major reasons why Jewish America is so very successful and why Black America is not, is almost entirely due to the topic of this book review – simply put, Baby Mamaism is a fast track to nowhere. Hymowitz cares more about the Black family than Jaxn does, and this too, shows – just compare and contrast their respective writings. That Jaxn is able to get any traction at all with his screed, just goes to show how askew modern day Black America truly is. Un-freaking believable.
Baby Mamas – What Are They Good For?
As noted in the title to his book, Jaxn argues that only “grown men” can or should be able to deal with baby mamas – it’s a lot of shaming language, pandering and “sound and fury”, signifying nothing. On the contrary, smart, successful men who have their heads on straight, not only avoid baby mamas, they fix their lives such that their social world orbits stay far away from that of single moms. Never shall the two collide.
This is borne out right there in Jaxn’s adopted hometown of Atlanta, GA. Long seen as “the Black Mecca” of Black America, according to Wikipedia, ATL now has one of the highest percentage of Black advanced degree holders than anywhere else in the country outside of historic Prince George’s County, MD. Atlanta is home to Georgia Tech, Clark Atlanta University and of course, Morehouse – and that’s not counting for the thousands of successful Black men who relocate to or otherwise spend formidable amounts of time in the Peachtree State.
Put another way: if you’re a Black woman who’s looking to mate with smart, successful Black men, Atlanta should be on your “to do” list (right behind the aforementioned PGC and of course, the “DMV” area at large), if for no other reason than the simple fact that there are just more of them per capita, than in other areas of the country. Ahh, but here comes the rub: if you’re a baby mama, well, that reduces your chances of even catching the eye of these guys significantly – to say nothing of actually locking one down. Add to this the incredibly high clinical morbid obesity rates among Black women, especially in the South (yet another major issue Jaxn, a dedicated gym rat who is keen to let his fawning fangirls know it by hosting live chats and the like shirtless, demures from telling the Sistahood the truth about), high school, car, house and consumer debt, notoriously bitchy attitudes, and, well, now you know why so many of Jaxn’s fangirls are constantly talking about “ain’t shit” Black men – as the OSU study makes clear above, when you fuck up your life with bad decision after bad decision like so many Black women do, all that is left available to you are “ain’t shit” Black men (which, in ATL, can be largerly found on the southern half of the city; the better off brothas tend to be on the northern end). Water really does seek its own level, which also explains how and why Black women as a group are the least married cohort of American women – not only do better off Black men don’t want to be bothered by and large, but neither do American men of other races. This is something that is repeatedly borne out by stats and data bearing not only on marriage but even online dating studies, etc. Of course, because this IS Bizarroland Black America we’re talking about, and catering to Black women and what they want to hear at that, this is yet another fact that will be conveniently left out of Jaxn’s daily mini-diatribes on YouTube, left out of his books, left off his t-shirts and whatever else he can get his hands on to hawk to the ladies.
Bottomline: being a Baby Mama is a virtual guarantee that your life AND that of your kids, is filled with hardship, pain, poverty and even early death – that is not hyperbole, ladies. That is the cold, hard truth, that the BMREIC simply will not tell you. Instead, they’ll continue to fill your heads with absolute nonsense about how it is somehow all Black men’s fault for not seeing your Baby Mama’d arse as a worthy mate and wifey material, facts, evidence and data to the contrary be damned.
But, as the wise man from a previous era, one Niccolo Machiavelli, said so very well:
“Men are so simple of mind, and so much dominated by their immediate needs, that a deceitful man will always find plenty who are ready to be deceived.”
Something to think about, as you read Jaxn’s “book”, ladies.
Mumia Obsidian Ali is a podcaster, talk show host and citizen journalist focused on Black men’s issues. Check him out on “Obsidian Radio” heard on YouTube!